Shampoo Bottle Generator

Our world ever seeks novel technological ways to scratch the itch of the human condition. These solutions have transformed almost every domain of productive activity. Never more need we drive, clean, cook, get take-out, berate our children, woo our partners, or comfort loved ones on their deathbeds. The sharing economy will provide.

But unbelievably, a blind spot yet remains.

It is a fact universally acknowledged that almost all toilet-time entertainment is provided by reading the backs of shampoo bottles. The grace and ingenuity of shampoo prose has captured many an active mind, transporting it to lands of keratin trees, cocoa butter waterfalls, and vitamin-E houses of burgess. Despite the talent of the shampoo bottle copysmiths -- these Joyces, Sontags of our era -- the attractions of these curved vessels of soap and poetic wisdom can only be finite. Once you have pored over the same bottle innumerable times -- your mind slipping on the suds of profundity again and again before it is rinsed by the waters of understanding -- it can no longer hold any attraction. And a greater horror! What of your precious minutes spent in the lavatory of those friends (that nice couple, the whatstheirnames) who eschew all hair products but coconut oil? What luscious-locked god can save you then?

The answer is in your hand. This application uses state-of-the-art (given the timescale of life on earth) text processing techniques to wrest shampoo bottle prose from the heights of Parnassus in order to deliver it straight to your favorite defecatorium.

My only desire is that this small effort will anoint lavender-fresh revelations upon your sweating, straining brow. The thought of thousands of my fellow bottle text enthusiasts sated after years of frustration is the only recompense I need (this app is free).

Godspeed.